Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trying Hard

I'm afraid it has been one of those mornings. I would say day but since the whole day or even the majority of the day hasn't happened yet I'll just stick to morning. It's been a kids fight over every.little.thing kind of morning. Or baby discovers how to un-screw his lid to his bottle while in his crib kind of morning. Or hubby and yourself have a slight disagreement kind of morning. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yay, well, that's kind of how my morning has been. My faith is wavering a bit today. I'm sad and a little gloomy. I couldn't tell you why or the reason for my being so. Most days I can handle what life throws at me pretty well. Today not so much. I'm partly gloomy because Tim had a second interview (with the same company) last week and it went really well (or so he thought) and we still have yet to hear back from them. It's been a week today. I've been trying to hand it all over to the Lord and be patient but it can be so hard! I know that ultimately the Lord knows what's best and I know he has a perfect plan all laid out for our family. I just wish I could see what it was! Sometimes I wish we could just pack up, move and start fresh but God hasn't told us to do so yet. It's got to be in his timing or it's all in vain. So here we sit, waiting. Again. We were in this same position last year. It took Tim 6 months to finally find a job. Our needs were met then and our needs have been met now. I know that. I just feel awful for Tim. He is a very,very talented man. Unfortunately, there are very few jobs that need his talent. He's being doing things to keep him busy but I know that he longs for a career. Not just a job but a career. (Even though he'd be happy with just a job at this point.) Anyway, all that to say this- sometimes I just feel we've been forgotten. Like God loves us but he's just forgotten about us. I know that's not true but that's just how I feel at times. I just want to know what he's trying to teach us. I thought we had learned our lesson in patience but maybe not? I guess until he does show us (again!) what to do- I'll just keep trying. Trying to turn it over to the Lord and trust that he really does have a plan and that he hasn't forgotten about us. Because I know He will never leave us nor forsake us!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Do these at least make me look smarter?!

(I have contact lenses too- these are just for backup.)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

It's too early to be happy...
Publish Post
(Yes, he is on bottles now. Don't judge me.)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Pray for Luke

It's been awhile since I've mentioned my nephew, Luke. I think now is a good time to do so again. My sister had a rough clinic visit with him today. To put it simply- he's not gaining weight. When you have Cystic Fibrosis it is vital that you gain weight. He hasn't even gained a pound in a year...a year...that just doesn't cut it. They're going to have to make some drastic changes soon. I feel for my sister most of all. I know this has got to be hard on her. She had a bad feeling today's clinic wouldn't bring good news and she was right. (How is it that we mothers know these things?) You can read more about her journey and her day here. Just keep their whole family in your prayers I know they'd greatly appreciate it. Also- keep praying for a cure!

My Husband

The man God has blessed me with is beyond incredible. He is my best friend, love of my life, father of my children, spiritual leader, sole confidant and provider. I really can't complain about him. I have nothing to complain about. He's pretty much amazing! I mean how many husbands will:

Wash the dishes

Help you clean up puke

Cut and dye your hair

Vacuum the floors

Help put away laundry

Put the kids to bed

Change the baby's diaper (when asked)

Compliment you even when you look like death warmed over

Encourage and pray for you daily

Work 60-80 hours a week (if needed) just to make ends meet

Get the boys ready for church every Sunday

Get up in the middle of the night to make the baby a bottle

Brag about you to all who will listen

Swear you're the best cook ever (even if you're not)

Hold your hand, kiss and hug you anytime and anywhere he can get a chance

Only has eyes for you

Believe in you

Trust youBold

And (in my humble opinion) one of the best things of all....will watch all 4 of the kids so you can enjoy a night out with your girl friends. Not once but twice in one week. Yep, I told you I was married to an incredible man!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Sleeping In...

My days of sleeping in have ended. I now have responsibility. I have to be a grown up and get up when the grown ups do. Which also means I have to go to bed when responsible grown ups do. No more going to bed at 2 in the morning (sigh). For now on I have to hit the hay by at least 11 if not (gasp!) by 10. That would allow me to get my 8 hours of sleep in and let me tell ya- I NEED my 8 hours of sleep! Unless my boys want crabby,mean mommy and I know they don't so therefor I NEED my 8 hours of precious sleep. Anyway, the reason why I need to wake up earlier is because I've agreed to babysit a little girl while her momma student teaches at a near by school. Today's my first day and so far it's been easy peasy. Little girls are very,very different than little boys. It's only been a few hours and I can already clearly see the drastic differences. It's a welcome change. I don't know if I could babysit like I'm going to be doing if it was for a little boy and not a girl. Our house needed a little more estrogen. The testosterone in this is house is so thick it's almost suffocating. Like I said in my previous post- I wouldn't have it any other way. Just sayin' a little estrogen among all the testosterone never hurt anything. Plus, maybe it will put some manners on my boys. They'll have to act a little more refined in the presence of another lady. (Uhem...well, a girl can dream can't she?!) You know- no more burping, farting or talking about certain body parts constantly, ect. As for the wrestling, gun-shooting, ect.- well, boys are boys and I don't think that will ever change. Girls or no girls. And as awful as it may seem at times to give up my days of sleeping in I think this will be better for me and our family. It gives us more of a schedule and gives me more purpose. You know- a reason for getting up. And amazingly enough, I feel happy, energized and ready to start the week and I woke up at 6:30! Wow- what one can do when they really put their mind to it! It's just amazing! :::Grin:::

Thursday, January 7, 2010

So Are You Going to Keep Trying For a Girl?!

How do I respond to this? I get it,so often. Almost every time we're out. I get asked by strangers, family and friends. I never know how to respond or what to say. Do we want a girl? I guess it would be nice to experience having a daughter. Would I be upset if we never had a girl? Probably not. Part of me wants to have a daughter and part me loves being a mother to all boys. Boys are wonderful- just wonderful. Yes, they're active and sometimes destructive but oh....there is just something about boys- especially baby boys. Any one of my boys can look at me a certain way and it just makes my heart melt. I have been so excited with each one of my pregnancies when we found out we were going to be having another boy. This is one of my dreams- being a momma to all boys. Each one of them is so precious, unique and all boy! They're rough and tumble and loud but they're loads of fun! Our house is full of testosterone and energy! It's full of sword-fighting, gun-shooting, car sounds, bodily noises, body slamming, doors banging, cowboy hat and boot-wearing, whooping and hollering and lots of eating! I often scratch my head and wonder why God blessed me with such beautiful boys. I feel so unworthy. What privilege, honor and responsibility. So, yes, we would like to pray for a girl next time. No, we won't be upset if we have another boy. No, we are not stopping based on when or if we get a girl. (We will stop when we feel the Lord tells us to stop.) And no, I'm not making an announcement. If God sees fit to only give us boys then I will embrace my role as mother to all boys. For now though- I wouldn't have it any other way.


So here I sit....sick. My boys are wrestling upstairs and Noah's screaming. The baby just joined him. The washer is sloshing, the clothes are waiting to be folded, the toilets need scrubbing, the floors need vacuumed, the furniture needs dusting, school needs to get done, meals need to be made and the kitchen still needs to get cleaned. Why don't moms get sick days too?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

First Impressions

Do I really look like I have it all together?(By the way- I don't.)

Do I look stress-free? (I'm stressed a lot.)

Do I appear as un-perfect as I am? (I am very un-perfect...very.)

Do I intimidate? (I hope not!)

Am I unfriendly? (I love making new friends!)

Do I act snobbish? (I promise I'm not a snob!)

I think I'm always giving people the wrong impression of myself.

I'm sorry if I have given anyone a false perception of me.

Please forgive me if I have. For now on I'll try to:

Keep a smile on my face.

A hop in my step.

A word of 'hello' on my lips.

And a hand reached out to anyone in need.

God's still working on me!!!

Some New Creations

I thought I'd share a few bags I did a few weeks ago. The first is a bag my sister had me make for a friend of hers (as a diaper bag for her new baby). I drew the elephants out on paper and then cut it out and used it as a template. I thought it turned out cute. The second is a tote bag I made for my mother (she uses tote bags quite a bit). They are supposed to be cupcakes. ;-) I'm getting that itch to sew again so I might just have to take a little trip to the fabric store today. I'm thinking some new clothes are needed by me. Uhem...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I Never Have Been Good With Words

This is a cross I must bear. I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head. Intelligent thoughts even but for some reason any time I try to put these thoughts in to words my lips confuse them and stumble over them. Sometimes I even stutter- almost like my lips can't keep up with my brain...or my brain can't keep up with my lips. I'm a natural born perfectionist so since I feel like I can't make an intelligent or witty blog post I don't even try. That's just how I am. If I don't think I'm good at something I don't pursue it. I don't waste my time you could say. If I think I have the potential of being good at something then I will try to get better (sewing for example). When it comes to blogging though I feel I stink at it and don't have much potential for being any better so I've pretty much given up (have you noticed?). I don't have the ability to make a witty post, inspiring post, or a spiritually encouraging post (I have bad short term memory and can never remember Bible scripture). It's just blah. Like most everything about me....blah. I've always wished I was one of those people that attracted people. I wish I had a magnetic personality. My father had one of those- he was a man everyone loved and wanted to be friends with. I was unfortunately not blessed with such a personality. I try to be a genuine person. But I often wonder how much I really show people my 'true' self. The person only my husband or family sees. The person they seem to love. I like that person. I like to spend time with my family because I can be my real self with them and they seem to like me...for me. I've tried to be 'me' in front of people but I'm not as confident as I probably should be. So I hide myself and put on a quiet exterior. I start stumbling over my words or just plain forget my words. I'm just so afraid of what others are going to think. When in reality who really cares what they think?! My true friends will like me for who I am. But in all realism there are just certain people that I feel comfortable enough to be myself with. So for the rest I put on my little front (not a fake front....just a front). I protect myself from being hurt or ridiculed. Or at least till I know someone better and know they will accept me for me. I think there are several reasons for my feeling this way. One is the feeling that I was never really given a chance growing up to be myself. My hobbies weren't encouraged and my talents weren't trained and developed (with lessons, classes,ect.). I don't blame my parents for this even though it's hard not to feel like I was the one forgotten about. They did their best and I know I will fail in areas as a parent also. My mom was overwhelmed with responsibility and had a million other things to think about. (Mom don't take this personally- I love you!) I struggle with feeling like I wasn't worth the investment when my siblings were. They all had music lessons (all but my brother played two instruments)- I did not. I was given piano lessons as a child but I hated it (even though I wasn't bad at it). I begged and begged for a violin. I dreamed about playing the violin. I never did get to play it but my sister got a violin a few months after I got married. I was heartbroken. I wasn't upset she got to take it. I was just sad I was never given that opportunity. I felt I wasn't worth the investment, time or energy. I felt like a failure. Except for the exception of voice lessons for one summer I never took any other lessons of any kind. I don't hold any of this against my mother. Like I said she did her best. I probably just didn't express my desires as well as I should have. Or she couldn't see my talents or interests. I took up sewing once I got married. My mother-in-law took the time to teach me. I loved it. Once I made my first item I was hooked. I got pretty decent at it and started entertaining the thought of doing it for hire. I was shut down. Told I couldn't handle it and told I wasn't as good as others. I was hurt and all those old feelings of failure came back. I gave up the thought of sewing for others. Once again I felt like I hadn't been worth the investment. When Noah was hospitalized with failure to thrive I was criticized (even by some I thought closest to me) about my parenting skills. Some even accusing me of harming my own child. Once again feelings of failure. I was having feelings of disgust for myself. Needless to say I've always had confusion with what my purpose in life is. I know, I know, I'm raising four boys but I can't help but feeling like there's more. I want to 'really' do something. I want to be known for something- something incredible,something unique. Something that inspires, helps and encourages others. I'm drawn to the medical field. I feel it pulling me (always have). I want to go back to school so bad but I'm very much afraid of failure. What if I can't do it and I'm told 'I told you so'. I just don't want to fail again. I want to be a nurse/nurse midwife so bad it hurts. I would also love to design clothing. I've been tempted to buy a dress form and try my hand at it. I don't think I could make a pattern but I'm pretty sure I could design a dress. It seems so out of reach but I know with practice I could do it. I wish God would just tell me exactly what he wants me to do. Give me a clear answer. It would make things so much easier. Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess it just kind of happened. I'm not depressed, down or hurt right now- honest. I guess this was just on my mind. I hope all is well in blog land. I'm sorry the first post I write in a long time is so gloomy. It really wasn't meant to be. I'm just sharing my thoughts.

(By the way I have never aspired to be a great writer...just saying.)

On a positive note- here are a few pictures of us...oldest to youngest. ;-)