Thursday, August 26, 2010

This is MY Life...

There are always dirty dishes in my kitchen sink...

There are PILES of folded laundry on my couch...


There is a HUGE lego mess in the boys' room...








There are crumbs on my counter...





There is cereal on my floor...






I still have my pajamas on and it is 2:30 in the afternoon...







These boys make it all worth while though... the dirty laundry, the mess, the sinkful of dishes, the crumbs and the dirty hair. Thank you Lord, for my little mess makers...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Blessed...

To have the family I have. My sister came and stayed with me for a few days and now my most wonderful sister-in-law is staying with me for a few days. As much as I would love to blog I am way too busy partying it up with my family...my friends...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wake Up Call

I was sleeping soundly when I was woken up by Jonathan.

Jonathan: Mom, come quick! I think there is a man in the house and he locked himself in the room with Bella (our dog...). I think he is killing her!

Yeah, its been an interesting morning...

(By the way, Bella is alive and well!)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Random Thoughts About Nothing Much

I was told I need to update my blog more often. Even if I have few words to say or just a picture to post.
~ So here it is.These are the thoughts that run through my head.all.the.time! This is the most random post ever.~
This is me. Dabble in something, find I am not perfect at it and then leave it never to turn back to it again. It's a weakness. Something I am not proud of but it's me nonetheless. I am a perfectionist by nature and I am struggling to overcome it.
I am also real. I am who I am. What you see is what you get. If I am having a bad day you'll know it. If I am hurt you'll know it. If I am happy you'll know it,ect.
I also struggle with laziness in some areas of my life. I never have a problem feeding,bathing,caring for the boys, cleaning the kitchen and paying the bills but I put off making phone calls, feeding myself,doing laundry,making real meals, deep cleaning, mowing the lawn,grocery shopping,sewing ect. I do it...but it takes me forever to get the motivation to do it. Once I start doing it though then I don't quite until it's done.
I also am struggling with finding my niche. I feel so useless. Like I need to do something to contribute financially. I just don't know what. What would work for me? What can I do while still being a full time mommy of four and teacher to the two older boys? Day care maybe? I am scared of the commitment though since I like my freedom to do whatever whenever. I am also afraid of failure. Or quitting something again.
Why do I struggle with these feelings of inadequacy? Why am I so indecisive? Why am I not completely content all the time? Do all moms struggle with this? If not, how do they overcome these feelings?
My husband is gone now 5 1/2 days of the week. He is only home 1 1/2 days. I miss him and I get lonely at times but I am also thankful for a job. Fortunately, I have been somewhat busy with friends. Friends I did not do much with just a few short months ago. I have been reconnecting with people and it has been so nice! I pray these friendships keep growing. I thank God for giving me friends when I have needed them so badly. I just hope I don't do something to ruin these new found friendships since I need adult interaction so badly. Especially since Tim is gone so much.
I need to paint the schoolroom and start doing school with the boys. I need to make a schedule too. So why haven't I done it? Oh, that's right. I like my flexibility. Stinkin' lazy nature in me.
I can't stand myself sometimes. Can't even look in the mirror some days. Feel so ugly, fat and unattractive. Why can't I view myself how my husband views me? Or how God views me- beautiful and unique. Why do I have such a low self esteem? Is it because I am selfish?
Yet there are the times when I feel I can really be something great. Something great for the Lord but what would that be? (Lord, why don't you just tell me clearly what my purpose here is?) I want to live completely in God's will but struggle knowing what that is. Am I in his will now?
There are some major decisions Tim and I want to make but don't know how or when to do it...if we even make them.
So many thoughts swirling through my head. So many times I think I am going mad.
The stress of dealing with kids alone, keeping the house up, dealing with the finances and making most of the decisions makes me almost physically ill. Most times I can handle it but it does get to be overwhelming. So overwhelming at times I feel like giving up. Throwing in the towel and saying I QUITE! But I don't. Since this is the road I have chosen and it's my life. These are my children. Tim is my husband and I am committed to them. I am in it for the long haul. As hard as it seems. All I need is encouragement and prayer. I do not need people 'preaching' at me. Until you have lived my life you just don't know.
Anyway, I have so many more things to post but life has called and I need to answer. I could go on and on so I need to quite at some time. And that time is now.
Peace out...